ADD, ADHD, and Suicide: A personal story
In the past week, we have worked with three teenagers--two boys and a girl--who recently tried to commit suicide. I just walked back from meeting one boy and am still a bit shaken. But I wanted to write this while the emotion is still strong. I am usually so relentlessly positive and I remain so, but sometimes I err on the side of being too hopeful and reassuring to parents. Today, though, I do want to shake you up a bit. This is important stuff we're talking about.These three kids do not have clinical depression--it isn't biological or chemical. When you listen to them tell their stories, you may realize that they sound just like your own kids. In fact, these three teens come from what most would consider "good homes." But listen to the common themes and situations that each of the kids mentioned contributing to their desire to end their lives:
1. My parents are always upset, yelling and screaming and accusing me. I always feel like I'm on the defensive.
2. We don't talk in our house. We scream at each other. My parents always seem frustrated at me, and I understand why. But we just hurry through each day and I'm not sure when the last time they just listened to me without giving me a lecture.
3. No one has really believed in me. And I'm not sure what I've ever done to give them reason to.
4. Since I've been little, I've been the bad kid, the one always in trouble.
5. Even when I was a kid, I knew my own relatives and grandparents didn't like me being around.
6. I have no vision for the future. I'm not good at anything. Life has always been about fixing me. I'm just plain tired of that.
7. What do you do, where do you go when you don't fit in, when you don't see any positives?
8. My parents are always saying things will change, but this is all I've known since I was a kid. It hasn't changed in 15 years, what's going to make the future any better?
9. I feel like I am the cause of all the trouble in our house. My brother/sister never gets in any trouble. They are destined to be successful and I'm destined to fail. I know that's what everyone thinks.
10. School's hard. Sports aren't my thing. I don't quite fit in and I know it. I know teachers have given up on me, just like everyone else.
"I don't feel sorry for myself and I'm not looking for you to care. The fact is that I'm glad I tried it [killing himself] and glad it didn't work because it showed me one thing. No one else has ever really believed in me--I mean I know my parents say they love me, but I'm not stupid, I know what they talk about and that they are scared to death I'm going to be a failure. I'm too big a pain for teachers and I don't blame them for the way they treat me. I never believed in myself, but when I realized that I had the guts to do it, it was really weird. It showed that I had a side to me that gave a **** about myself and that there is something good in there."
We need to take our words more seriously. We need to take this to heart, not put it off for some other day, some other year. At our School Workshops, I challenge educators to find that one student who is the biggest challenge and believe in them This is why.
So if you notice a new urgency to our messages, you'll know why. These kids' experiences are no different than what happens in homes and schools across the country every single day. Let's change this. Please.
Slow down and take a few minutes tonight to talk to and listen to your kids. Put your feet up, ask them about something other than school, remind them of their gifts and passions. Let's change ourselves and our homes tonight.